Writing Warm-Up: Sad Face, Lock & Bridge

Writing Session Warm-Up with Rory's Story Cubes

The time has come for me to do some more writing in my serialized fiction, and that means doing a warm-up to get the creative gears turning. I've decided to utilize my Rory's Story Cubes, recently purchased and yet to see official use, to create a basic outline for a story I may or may not write sometime in the future.

In this particular case, I've rolled three of the story cubes, and I will use those three cubes to come up with a simple outline for a potential piece of fiction.

The Candle Which Burns Twice As Bright...

Another play has come up in my area. Not only am I interested in auditioning, but it is a musical, which is part of my bucket list. It only seems natural that I should audition for it, right? I mean, I've hit up every audition that has been available since last April, so why stop now.

Unfortunately, I'm not as excited for this audition as I would've originally expected. So much so to the point that I am not even 100% certain if I will audition for it. While I have no doubts that it would be an amazing experience and it would be truly exciting and engaging, and I would meet new wonderful people and get the chance to work with others I already know and love within the local theater community, I can't help but wonder if I'm filling my plate too full already.

Life, Work, Writing & Balance

Recently, and by recently I mean in about the last week, I've been struck with a new fear. I know, my list of fears is pretty long, but this one is new and immediate and so it gains some additional attention. The new year has started, and the end of the first full week is approaching. According to my count, I've done a total of 9275 words of writing this week, beating my weekly goal by 2275 words. Not too shabby, and a good start to what will hopefully be 52 weeks of consistent writing.

Zimildran Excitement to the Extreme!

I mean, look at that! How can this image not excite you? I guess the dinosaur junkie in me just gets giddy when seeing this image. Ramon is such a talented individual, and seeing him bring a specific, full world of my own design to life through wonderful art is, to me, breathtaking.

Zimildran has been going well, with the writing and development staying just ahead of our weekly play-test sessions. It is the culmination of almost everything that is at the core of my interests; dinosaurs, mysticism, intercultural diplomacy and conflict, with a dash of steampunk, all spread thickly over a thick base of cosmic horror. It feels wholly original, yet also like I've known it my entire life. Its ancient ruins, spiritual essence, and primal wildlife have stalked my dreams and sneaked into my writing over the years, and it is finally coming to fruition later this year. I am literally beside myself with excitement for this project to be finished.

I can only hope that this excitement holds true throughout the production of this book. It is already much larger than I ever expected it to be (130 pages and counting), and only continues to grow with each passing week.

Soon enough, in the next few weeks hopefully, I will post an excerpt of the world of Zimildran on the Round 10 website, giving you a bit more of a taste of the nature of this world, giving substance to the image above and a window into my imagination.

You Can't Take Everything (or Everyone) With You...

This is primarily going to be one of my sappy, self-reflective posts, so please bear with me.

As most of you are aware, this week marked the end of the semester for me. Monday was the official last day of class, and Wednesday was the first of my two days of finals. I found I was struck with a stronger pang of grief than I originally expected. I've grown somewhat close (which for me means that I've shared a lot of laughs and some minor extracirricular activities) with a handful of people, including the majority of my Acting class.

I've talked about how I connect with people in previous posts, but allow me to go over this again. Years ago, I used to be free with my happiness and optimism, and I used to approach everyone as if they could be a life-changing friend for me. I poured everything into friendships and I tried to do everything in my power for those people. It didn't matter if we shared a brief, friendly conversation or if we hung out consistently for multiple months, I probably considered you a close friend.

Then I had a period where this openness and willingness to connect so freely with people came back to bite me, and it ended up hurting me. So I backed off, and kept people at arms' length. Sure, I didn't let other people hurt me during this time, but I was hurting myself, stifling my extroverted self and forcing a more introverted lifestyle. It was difficult at first, but it got easier as time went on, and eventually it became all I knew.

Yet, in the last two years now, I've really been working on getting back my old self, the self that I was years ago. I wanted to be the Nick that people wanted to be around again. I wanted people to enjoy their time with me, and I wanted people to know how much they mean to me. I have had a few friendships and relationships these past two years that have been instrumental in making this transition, yet a week such as this proves to me that things won't always be easy.

We finished our last performances in Acting class, and I lingered for a moment or two, but ended up leaving quite quickly, quite abruptly, with very little said to anyone other than a couple of passing goodbyes. I got halfway down the hall to the exit, and I stopped myself. I turned back around, went back to the theater, and made up some excuse in my head of a question that I had to ask the instructor as the real reason for my return.

Unfortunately, when I arrived again, most of the other students had gone, and I had missed my opportunity to give a more suitable farewell. Now, I found, I felt even worse.

This seems such an elementary thing for me, but now all that is rolling around in my head is the fear that I may never see some of these people again. That is a reality I'm going to have to face, but it's not one I'm proud of accelerating.

As I have been saying, time and again, I am moving forward. Forward with my life, forward with my career, forward with my creativity and forward with my relationships. Unfortunately, the other side of that positive coin is the fact that as I move forward, I am forced to face the realization that I can't take everything with me, that I can try to stay in touch with as many as possible, but I will lose contact with most of them, and it kills me.

It kills me because I think of the people who I was once close to that I don't hear from, or don't reach out to, much any more. People who I keep telling myself I need to call, need to contact, but I either don't or can't.

This Friday is my last final, in Public Speaking, a class in which I have made some simple connections with a few people, though not as major of connections and with not as many people as I would prefer (mainly because other than one or two moments, I didn't put much effort into it, probably out of a fear of the inevitable future). I think I will do what I can to offer a bit more of a satisfying goodbye to these people, something I may segue into my requesting they see the play that I will be in this summer.

I am a better friend than I have been this last week or so, I know it. I just have to act like it.

Changing the Game

Things have been moving at a very definite pace for me these last couple of weeks. I made some big decisions, the nature of which I can't really get into yet, but that will be changing the course of my life for at least the next year or two. It's both exciting and frightening, but I know that these are decisions that had to be made, considering my future goals and my current direction.

On a smaller scale, I made a tough choice about my personal belongings today, selling a good number of old video games for past - and current - generation systems. They were simply sitting on the shelves or in drawers, collecting dust and not seeing any use, and since I had to spend extra money on phone repairs and dropped some more cash into Round 10 (necessary cash, that is), I've been a little tight on funds.

But creativity is one of my strengths, and being creative with how I spend my money is a skill I've been tempering since January, thanks in no small part to the guidance of my sister. And it's something I'm going to have to get better at, looking at the road ahead.

I am nothing if not a work in progress.

Late Post: Auditions

Hello again, readers! I missed the Wednesday post, so my apologies for that. My week has been quite busy, and so this and most other posts will be shorter in length for the next week or two.

The most noteworthy event during this week is the fact that I had another audition this last Wednesday evening, May 1st. The director is my Acting class instructor, so having that established familiarity with him as a person did wonders for my anxiety. I went in at 7:00pm, and I'm assuming that he really liked my performances since I was one of the last to leave, having been called back in for additional readings three times.

He said he should have the play fully cast by this weekend, so I should get an email Saturday or Sunday to let me know if I got the part or not. We shall see! I will say that I am very excited, and I'm trying to not expect a role, but rather just be happy with whatever feedback I get from him.

The Life of an Otter

Today I found I was far more stressed than I originally wanted to admit to myself, something I realized as I let the hot water of the morning shower pour over me. And, I found, as my morning went on, my stress only increased.

I had a research paper due on Monday, and I came to realize that the shape of my schedule from Friday morning through Sunday evening wasn't one to allow for much room to research, organize, write and revise said paper. On top of that I needed to begin preparing for my final speech, I needed to read through the scene my acting partner and I had landed on, and I came to realize that I was falling behind in my RPG writing, my blogging, and that the end of the semester was right around the corner, having snuck up on me with incredible speed.

These thoughts and more crowded my mind, and put me in a sour mood to start the day off. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I like the entertain the notion that I am not one to get easily stressed. I tend to take things as they come, a skill I've been working for the past few years, and it takes a bit before I start to lose sleep.

Luckily, though, two of my friends came forward to help ease my stress, through consistent joking, light-hearted shenanigans, and offering scheduling advice. What looked like a catastrophic mess of a weekend soon became a manageable situation, and I was beginning to mitigate my stress, all thanks to two of the most wonderful people I've had the pleasure of getting to know these past few months.

During speech class today, one of the students spoke about personality profiles, and outlined three basic personalities as described by animals. The lion, the otter, the beaver and the golden retriever. I recognized the person I used to be (the beaver), the person I wanted to be (the golden retriever) and the person I currently was (the otter) in her descriptions. One quality about the otter that stood out to me was that, as she claimed, "an otter will call anyone that they interact with at least two times their 'close friend'."

I saw that in myself right away. It's true, if we hang out together only a couple of times, if I have two different conversations with you that both seem to go relatively well, I often consider you a close friend. That label in no way diminishes the quality of those friendships I've shared for many years, it only helps define the lengths I'm willing to go to in order to 1.) get to know you better, and 2.) maintain our friendship. While I can't be 100% certain in this self-assessment, I feel that I get along well with most people, and unless our personalities clash in a particularly blatant way, I can often see myself becoming good friends with just about anybody.

Whether I've been going to your house since my early years in elementary school, or we just met this semester in one of my classes, or you're the friend of a friend who has hung out with me once or twice, or we've merely shared a place of employment for about a month or so, it is very likely that I see you as a friend, and I see the potential of a greater friendship there. When it comes to relationships, I tend to jump in feet first, plunge myself in whole-heartedly, and then see where it goes from there. Unfortunately, this means that I cannot get to know everyone as well as I'd like to, much to my dismay. Yet I do what I can for my friends and family, whether it's offering counsel via a message or phone call, showing encouragement over their chosen form of artistic expression, or simply sharing a few amusing stories and listening to how they're doing.

However, no matter how far I'm pushing in a relationship, I always feel I can push a little further. Am I overextending myself? Am I wasting my energy on too many relationships, exhausting myself emotionally, and will I only be met with disappointment? I will admit that sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much or coming across too strong, but then I have evenings like I did on Thursday, or mornings like today, and I realize that for me to do any less would be a dishonest, dissatisfying use of my energy. It is my ultimate wish to experience as many people's stories as I can, to interact with as many people as possible, and to create and share memories everywhere. And boy do I have a long way to go as I bring that wish into reality.

Literary Burp: Personality & Purpose

The following post is a thought or musing of mine that I just wanted to get recorded. These sort of thoughts filter in and out of my head constantly, and I'm of the mindset that if I don't acknowledge their existence, then I may as well have never had them in the first place. And every thought deserves its due attention, even if its a random one such as this.

When growing up I had a very different experience. I'm the youngest of four, and primarily grew up with my sister, as my other two siblings were considerably older and thus occupied a different lifestyle than I did. When they were listening to music and driving vehicles I was playing with Legos and acting like a dinosaur. Growing up, I've always seen how different I was than the rest of my family. I had an unashamed, unbridled and unquenchable thirst for the unknown. Concepts like outer space, the ocean, trackless desert and the deepest recesses of nature were all notions that held great sway with me. These were places that people only talked about or wrote about, but didn't go to. These were 'true' places, untouched by the hand of man and operating without his interference. These ideas, even if I didn't know how to articulate them at the time, intrigued me beyond compare, and were manifested in my love of such things as dinosaurs, Star Wars, the Marvel superheroes and other fantastic stories.

This passion for finding the amazing in what others rarely even thought about set me apart, at least in my eyes, from a lot of people I knew growing up. For all of my head-in-the-clouds, fantasizing and day-dreaming antics, my father was at least that engulfed in practicality. He showed a love of old comics and stories from his youth, but he is a man of concrete facts, of a world that's written in black and white and runs by the word of God and the letter of the law. Where he would try to determine 'why,' I would only muse 'why not?' As I grew up I found that I inherited his unshaking resolution in the truth of the world, in the presence of God, and in the important role religion plays in our lives. Yet I wasn't about to let this 'certainty' of faith, morality, and the way of the world limit my desire to seek the unknown, to continue to walk down paths others dismiss as fantastical, and to continue to keep my head in those beautiful clouds.

What is this post all about? I don't really know. I started out with one thing in mind, but it as changed in these few paragraphs. I guess it is an introspective analysis of myself. If there is one thing I do, and frequently, it's question why I think the way I do, why I feel the way I do, and why I act the way I do. I still feel like I am still learning who I am, and I feel like the only way I will ever truly learn about the world around me is to first understand that there is much I don't know, even about myself.

We all search for the concrete answers in life, or we think we have found them, or we plant them for ourselves to find. We rarely question them, some of us never do, and we are happy knowing that the sky is blue, the sun will rise, and tomorrow will always follow today. But not me. I'm not content with merely accepting the world, or my existence in it, at face value. I am here for a purpose, as is everyone, and I will never learn what that is unless I leave my mind open, unless I accept the fact that the concept of 'truth' is a human concept, and that I will only, in my entire life, learn a mere fraction of what is considered as truth. In short, there is much more going on in existence than I can ever hope to experience, to learn, to know.

Funding My Future

As I near the completion of the Round 10 Core Rulebook (which is more or less on schedule, thankfully), I start to turn my eyes to the Zimildran Setting Module, the second Round 10 product that will be produced. I can't help but think back to when I thought Kickstarter would be a good idea to get this project off the ground. Countless other independent RPGs have been funded through Kickstarter, why not Round 10?

My goals were ambitious with the first Kickstarter project. $4,000 as the goal, it would go towards funding the Core Rulebook and the Zimildran Module as one singular book, and it came quite close to its goal. Only about $500 away or so. Since it was close but not complete, I decided to try again, this time with a slightly higher goal (partly because I wanted to get more artwork, but also partly because I'm an idiot) and put it up for another month.

This second time was abysmal compared to the first, and so I stepped away from Kickstarter and decided to fund it all personally. It slowed production time down considerably, but it also gave me the extra time I needed to really dig into the rules and what the Core book offered, and expand upon that.

As I start to think about the second book, Zimildran, I begin to consider going the route of Kickstarter again. Images of the Kickstarter Project Page with a name like "Zimildran: A Low-Fantasy Setting from Round 10 Role-Playing" pop into my head, and I get excited. I think about possible rewards I could set up for potential backers, such as prints of the original artwork, artwork posters, free role-playing books, and maybe even offering to run a game for their gaming group via Skype. There are a lot of options, and I feel it may be worth exploring again, once the Round 10 Core RPG is finished.

I just can't get ahead of myself, and should probably post a more realistic goal. If that works, then perhaps I'll look at a more professional, fully illustrated Deluxe Edition in the future, or something, a production more akin to what I would like to see. If my Kickstarter experience has taught me anything, it's "start small".

"Needs Improvement"

I had a good conversation, albeit a short one, with a coworker recently about writing and inspiration, and I found that all of the advice I was giving him were things that I needed to remember to do.

I told him to write daily, to set up a schedule if he could and to stick to it. I told him that when he sits down to write, to just write, and to not go back and edit. I told him to get the entire manuscript down on paper before he actually begins to fix errors or inconsistencies. And as I was saying all of this, I just felt like a big hypocrite.

I am a writer. Right? Aren't I? What have I written recently? Anything? Other than a few passages in my roleplaying book, I really haven't written much in the last week or so. What right do I have to call myself a writer, if I don't write? And on what grounds should I be giving advice when I don't do it myself? "Trust me, this works. But I don't do it."

Sometimes my own complacency staggers me. I understand, more than most, the importance of enjoying every day, of finding happiness in the little things. I know that if I constantly focus on things about myself that make me unhappy, like my complacency, then I won't ever be happy. But at the same time, I know that there are a lot of things about me, as a person, that I need to correct. Like my complacency.

I've been focusing so much on my optimism, on my friendliness, and most importantly, on being not only open to new experiences, but being an instigator of new experiences in others, that I fear I've lost track of other things that I need to keep tabs on. I am a work in progress, with a big, fat "Needs Improvement" stamp on my forehead. That's not me being cynical, that's not me being self-defeating, and that's not me throwing a pity-party. It's a fact, and I hope to God that I never feel otherwise. The minute I stop trying to better myself, then I've already lost.

College & Graduation

This last week has been quite a boring one for me. After the excitement of the road trip with my gaming group, and the 3:00am Dance Central party on Saturday, my activity has dropped considerably. I wake up, I go to class, I have some fun with friends at CLC, I go to work and play catch-up on my list of tasks, then I go home and either play Starcraft II or watch YouTube videos until I drift off to sleep, only to start it all over again the next day.

I suppose it's to be expected. I mean, after such an engaging weekend I should be okay with allowing myself some downtime. But at the same time, I'd rather have the excitement of the weekend carry over into my daily routines, rather than drop off completely. And then this morning I was sort of slapped in the face with a realization.

It's March. Graduation is coming up, and I have things I need to do.

In order for me to get my AA at the end of this semester, I need to have my AP transcript submitted to the college. Since the last time I took an AP test was in 2006, my transcript has gone into what the AP board calls the "Archives". Basically, for me to get those credits to the college, I need to jump through extra hoops and spend a little extra money in order for the people at CLC to go "Oh, yes you have taken all those classes."

Once that is all done, I will be all set for my AA (finally) and can start looking at my teaching degree a bit more closely.

So this morning saw a bit of a fire lit under my butt, thanks in part to my roommate and in part to a friend from my Acting class who was asking me about my plans after this semester. I printed the AP transcript release form, filled it out, and now just have to fax it and a check to the AP Board and wait for them to fax the transcript back to the college. I'm cutting it close, but that's sort of my style.

It's both exciting and frightening, being this close to my AA, on the cusp of uncharted territory (for me). The thoughts of what is happening after plague me, now. Thoughts like worrying about costs of going to an actual college, about being able to manage online classes, about if teaching is really the career I should be pursuing, and about how seriously I should be pushing forward with my book at the same time. Yet, despite all of my worrying, and despite all of my anxiety, I need to keep this momentum going. I know that once my momentum drops, it's hard to get up again, and I can't afford to put my future off any longer.

Expectations

This last week has certainly been an interesting one. I had my audition for "Glass Menagerie" on Monday evening, and though he wasn't helping direct the play at all, my acting instructor did sit in on them. I walked out of the auditions about two hours after they started and felt like they were atrocious, and vowed to actually research the play next time, rather than going in completely blind. However, when I connected with my acting instructor prior to class on Wednesday, he said there was little I could've done better, and that I just simply wasn't what the director was looking for.

Fair enough. I know I went into the audition telling myself not to expect anything. My first audition, no prior stage experience, I couldn't imagine that I'd be a serious contender for either of the male roles. Yet, walking out I couldn't help but feel pretty let down with myself. I got too nervous, I got too anxious, and so I spent my night afterwards in my apartment, eating ice cream and playing the Myst game on my iPhone. Silly expectations, showing up even when you don't want them to.

Also, this week marks the end of my commitment to my retail store. We had been hurting on one of our sales scores for a while, and so I proposed that if we finished this week at our minimum goal, I'd dye my mop of hair green. Well, not only have we made our goal for the week, but we made it with two days to spare. So now I have to look into green hair color and go through two days at work looking like a walking piece of broccoli. Joy.

And I expected the store to just miss the goal.

And finally, just a few nights ago, one of my friends and coworkers had the unfortunate experience of being broken up with. While I never really spoke with her about her relationship, I could tell that it made her happier than anything, simply by the way she acted and spoke. And now that was gone, and she was forced to face the world once again, her perspective now soured, though hopefully just temporarily, by the experience.

Expectations can be a terrible thing. They can get our hopes up only to have them dropped down once again. They can get us to over-commit to something that we're not terribly looking forward to. They can reveal mountains about our perception, both of ourselves and of those around us. Some people have been so affected by their expectations in the past that they have made a decision to simply not expect anything out of people or life in the future. That is a hard thing to do, and while I can understand the reasoning behind it, it pains me to hear people take such an outlook.

It's true, there's a lot of danger in expectations, but more than any danger, there are a lot of other things you can get from expectations. Confidence, optimism, and determination are all positive things that can result from expecting that you will do well on a specific task, expecting that someone else will follow through, or expecting that you will find happiness once again. I can't imagine going through life without at least some measure of confidence, both in myself and in others, and while my confidence certainly gets shaken from time to time, I definitely bounce back in short order. Especially when ice cream and Myst are involved.