About two weeks ago I received an email from a supporter of Round 10 who also happens to be running a gaming podcast called Beyond the Horizon Radio. He voiced his excitement at seeing how far Round 10 has gotten, despite not meeting its goals as a Kickstarter campaign, and said that he would love to conduct an interview with me about Round 10, it's development, and the impressions of he and his gaming group from their play-test session.
I, of course, happily agreed. Any and all support is most welcome and appreciated, and the more I can get Round 10 out there and in the eyes of the public, the better off it will be. He was kind enough to send me the questions for the interview, and I am excited to partner with him and discuss what Round 10 can bring to the gaming industry.
The episode's air date is still up in the air, but we will be recording the interview this coming Wednesday (05.05). My only concern is that his podcast is set up only as a direct streaming site, only offering content for the limited time that he plays it (generally on Saturdays from noon to 3:00pm for live shows, and Sundays at a similar time for a rerun of Saturday's show). While it's definitely a system that works, I'd love for the episode, or at least the interview, to be available for download to be listened to at a time that's more convenient for the listener. I may connect with him and see if I'd be allowed to record the interview and post it on the Round 10 website and Facebook page, with his permission.
Regardless, I'm excited for the publicity, no matter how big or how small!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Round 10 Soft Release Info
The Round 10 Core Rulebook is growing a bit more each day. These last couple of days saw some additional work from my illustrator, Ramon Bunge, come in and continue to wow me. I took the opportunity to play around with the book's layout and toy with where various illustrations will go. It is my goal and my hope that the book will be ready for distribution by June 1st at the earliest!
With this in mind, I should also start focusing on the Round 10 Quick Start Guide, doing some final edits and getting that ready for digital distribution by May 20th. The Quick Start Guide will present the rules in a succinct and easy-to-learn, seven page format, along with a pretty cut-and-dry adventure and six premade characters. It will be the stepping stone into the greater Round 10 experience, and will be available for free download from the Round 10 website and RPGnow.com, so keep your eyes peeled!
I'm debating on the prices of the Core Rulebook. The physical copy's price is sort of out of my hand; it all falls on what Lulu.com or Createspace.com will charge for each printing (probably in the realm of $40, since it is almost 200 pages with full-color artwork), yet I'm still a bit up in the air on the digital book's price. I don't want to charge too much, since it was never my intention to make substantial money off of this game, but at the same time I don't want to undercut the work that's being put into it. I'm thinking a PDF of the book could go for around $15.00 at standard price. It seems a bit high for a digital download, but at the same time the Core Rulebook offers so much information that there is no need to purchase anything further.
Zimildran is even further from having a determined price, but I'd say in and around $15.00 for the digital book. I'm even entertaining the idea of running some sort of online deal when you purchase the Core Rules or Zimildran to get some sort of discount on the other product, encouraging the purchase of both items.
Of course, the marketing stage of multiple products is still up in the air, but it's exciting to think about, at the very least!
With this in mind, I should also start focusing on the Round 10 Quick Start Guide, doing some final edits and getting that ready for digital distribution by May 20th. The Quick Start Guide will present the rules in a succinct and easy-to-learn, seven page format, along with a pretty cut-and-dry adventure and six premade characters. It will be the stepping stone into the greater Round 10 experience, and will be available for free download from the Round 10 website and RPGnow.com, so keep your eyes peeled!
I'm debating on the prices of the Core Rulebook. The physical copy's price is sort of out of my hand; it all falls on what Lulu.com or Createspace.com will charge for each printing (probably in the realm of $40, since it is almost 200 pages with full-color artwork), yet I'm still a bit up in the air on the digital book's price. I don't want to charge too much, since it was never my intention to make substantial money off of this game, but at the same time I don't want to undercut the work that's being put into it. I'm thinking a PDF of the book could go for around $15.00 at standard price. It seems a bit high for a digital download, but at the same time the Core Rulebook offers so much information that there is no need to purchase anything further.
Zimildran is even further from having a determined price, but I'd say in and around $15.00 for the digital book. I'm even entertaining the idea of running some sort of online deal when you purchase the Core Rules or Zimildran to get some sort of discount on the other product, encouraging the purchase of both items.
Of course, the marketing stage of multiple products is still up in the air, but it's exciting to think about, at the very least!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Round 10: The Persuasion
My third and final speech of this semester, which will be delivered on Monday, April 29th, has to be persuasive in nature, with the intent to persuade the audience to act, feel, or think in a specific way by the time the speech is finished. Since I spoke about tabletop role-playing with my frist two speeches, I originally planned to describe the benefits of actually participating in tabletop role-playing. And then I realized I was already doing this with my previous speeches, talking about how RPGs can increase small-group communication skills, organization skills, creative problem-solving, and working with a team.
And then it hit me: why not just give a 10 minute infomercial on Round 10?
This seemed almost too good to be true, too easy to work. I asked the instructor if I could basically do a 'shameless self-advertising' speech, and he said "as long as you can work in the persuasive elements, it will work."
Here we go, then.
So the speech will be about Round 10, and why the audience, as first-time players of an RPG, should choose that as their introductory system. I will go over Round 10's simple set-up, it's focus on openness and how it fosters creativity, how it fits to accomodate the game you want to play rather than force you to play its game, and how it will be supported in the future by interesting, original and memorable settings and expansions. I will touch on Zimildran, on Otherworld, and on other ideas for the future. I'll bring up Facebook, Twitter (@Round10RPG), the Round 10 Website (even if it's still under construction), and this blog. Hopefully my enthusiasm around this topic will be enough to at least garner one or two additional supporters.
And then it hit me: why not just give a 10 minute infomercial on Round 10?
This seemed almost too good to be true, too easy to work. I asked the instructor if I could basically do a 'shameless self-advertising' speech, and he said "as long as you can work in the persuasive elements, it will work."
Here we go, then.
So the speech will be about Round 10, and why the audience, as first-time players of an RPG, should choose that as their introductory system. I will go over Round 10's simple set-up, it's focus on openness and how it fosters creativity, how it fits to accomodate the game you want to play rather than force you to play its game, and how it will be supported in the future by interesting, original and memorable settings and expansions. I will touch on Zimildran, on Otherworld, and on other ideas for the future. I'll bring up Facebook, Twitter (@Round10RPG), the Round 10 Website (even if it's still under construction), and this blog. Hopefully my enthusiasm around this topic will be enough to at least garner one or two additional supporters.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The Illusion of Progress
This past Sunday was an interesting day for me. It started off with me visiting my parents briefly, I vented some of my frustrations and discussed upcoming events with them, and then headed into town to pick up groceries. I returned to the apartment, started my laundry, and sat down to work on my research paper for my Interpersonal Communication class. It promptly started snowing, and heavily, outside, and I knew that I was confined to the apartment for the remainder of the day.
I finished the paper within about an hour, spent some time talking with my roommate about our summer plans, graduation, and other topics, and then sat in front of my computer to work on Round 10.
And I sat there, and stared at it, yet couldn't bring myself to type anything out. Nothing was coming to me. Here I was, the whole evening ahead of me, a mountain of time that could allow me to make tons of progress on Round 10, and all I could do was stare at the document blankly.
And then Monday came around, and between classes, in the matter of an hour and a half, I started and finished three different sections in the rulebook, fingers hammering away faster than they had in a while. Yet I did this in the college cafeteria, rather than my own kitchen as was the case on Sunday.
I realized that the change of environment was what did it. It offered a change of pace, a change of scenery, which dramatically affected my writing. I realized that, as I have mentioned in previous blog posts, that I am fearful of my own stagnation in life, and the simple change of scenery was enough to kickstart my writing juices, oil the gears in my creative mind, and get more work done than I had seen in a long time. It was an illusion of actual progress, with me fooling my creative brain with the idea that I was in a different place, at a different time in my life.
That simple illusion, that simple head fake, was enough for me to temporarily forget about the stresses of the direction and pace of my life and to focus on the task at hand - my writing.
Here's hoping I can continue to make it work.
I finished the paper within about an hour, spent some time talking with my roommate about our summer plans, graduation, and other topics, and then sat in front of my computer to work on Round 10.
And I sat there, and stared at it, yet couldn't bring myself to type anything out. Nothing was coming to me. Here I was, the whole evening ahead of me, a mountain of time that could allow me to make tons of progress on Round 10, and all I could do was stare at the document blankly.
And then Monday came around, and between classes, in the matter of an hour and a half, I started and finished three different sections in the rulebook, fingers hammering away faster than they had in a while. Yet I did this in the college cafeteria, rather than my own kitchen as was the case on Sunday.
I realized that the change of environment was what did it. It offered a change of pace, a change of scenery, which dramatically affected my writing. I realized that, as I have mentioned in previous blog posts, that I am fearful of my own stagnation in life, and the simple change of scenery was enough to kickstart my writing juices, oil the gears in my creative mind, and get more work done than I had seen in a long time. It was an illusion of actual progress, with me fooling my creative brain with the idea that I was in a different place, at a different time in my life.
That simple illusion, that simple head fake, was enough for me to temporarily forget about the stresses of the direction and pace of my life and to focus on the task at hand - my writing.
Here's hoping I can continue to make it work.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Round 10 Development Update
Most of my recent posts have been encompassing emotional reasonings, thoughts and ideas about the direction my life has been going, and the relationships I've been cultivating throughout the past few months. I understand that this blog was originally started with the intent to talk about the creative process around my writing, the journey I'm making in the self-publishing world, and the pursuit of a career in education. If you've been keeping up with my posts through all of this other, off-topic reflection, then I thank you. If you have found a level of annoyance in my posting inconsistencies, in my lack of discussion of the proposed, original topics, or in the general disorganized order of my posts, than I apologize, but know that every post in this blog is about things that are important in my life and that float in and around my mind on a daily basis.
That being said, I will spend this post talking about the state of the Round 10 RPG and my plans for the near future.
Round 10 RPG Core Rulebook - Overall Progress
Writing: 85% finished
Artwork: 76% finished
Ramon Ignacio Bunge, my wonderfully talented illustrator (who you can find on DeviantArt), is currently working on the last two black and white illustrations and then will jump into a final full-color image that I decided to add to the list last-minute. The pictures are turning out really well, and you can see all of the work he has done so far at the Round 10 RPG Facebook Page. Here is a taste of what he has done so far for the book:
As far as the writing goes, I've got to finish up the GM's section (genre-specirfic tips, running a scenario, running a campaign, and creating your own items, enemies, and settings), and fill out the remaining reference sheets (generic enemies, vehicles, ships), and then the writing will be 100% finished.
I'm debating if I should look into getting a professionally done layout for the character sheets and enemy sheets, but something tells me that a simple layout for those would work just fine. I'd rather spend time on the book's layout as a whole, ensuring that it reads well, has a proper and complete index and table of contents, and that it flows together well.
I'll likely be getting the Quick Start Guide up on the Facebook page and on RPGNow as a free download in the coming weeks, giving any interested parties the opportunity to get their feet wet with the rules system before the full game hits digital shelves.
I'm toying with the idea of posting weekly video notes on the Facebook page, an idea that has hit a wall simply because of my lack of adequate recording equipment. I'm also debating about posting some of our play-testing audio recordings for interested parties to hear, and get an idea for how the game plays. And finally, the Round 10 website is coming together, slowly but surely, and should be up and running for the public soon enough.
If you are one of the interested parties and you know of anything specific you'd like to see on the Facebook page, please let me know! I'm open to all suggestions.
That being said, I will spend this post talking about the state of the Round 10 RPG and my plans for the near future.
Round 10 RPG Core Rulebook - Overall Progress
Writing: 85% finished
Artwork: 76% finished
Ramon Ignacio Bunge, my wonderfully talented illustrator (who you can find on DeviantArt), is currently working on the last two black and white illustrations and then will jump into a final full-color image that I decided to add to the list last-minute. The pictures are turning out really well, and you can see all of the work he has done so far at the Round 10 RPG Facebook Page. Here is a taste of what he has done so far for the book:
As far as the writing goes, I've got to finish up the GM's section (genre-specirfic tips, running a scenario, running a campaign, and creating your own items, enemies, and settings), and fill out the remaining reference sheets (generic enemies, vehicles, ships), and then the writing will be 100% finished.
I'm debating if I should look into getting a professionally done layout for the character sheets and enemy sheets, but something tells me that a simple layout for those would work just fine. I'd rather spend time on the book's layout as a whole, ensuring that it reads well, has a proper and complete index and table of contents, and that it flows together well.
I'll likely be getting the Quick Start Guide up on the Facebook page and on RPGNow as a free download in the coming weeks, giving any interested parties the opportunity to get their feet wet with the rules system before the full game hits digital shelves.
I'm toying with the idea of posting weekly video notes on the Facebook page, an idea that has hit a wall simply because of my lack of adequate recording equipment. I'm also debating about posting some of our play-testing audio recordings for interested parties to hear, and get an idea for how the game plays. And finally, the Round 10 website is coming together, slowly but surely, and should be up and running for the public soon enough.
If you are one of the interested parties and you know of anything specific you'd like to see on the Facebook page, please let me know! I'm open to all suggestions.
Friday, April 12, 2013
The Life of an Otter
Today I found I was far more stressed than I originally wanted to admit to myself, something I realized as I let the hot water of the morning shower pour over me. And, I found, as my morning went on, my stress only increased.
I had a research paper due on Monday, and I came to realize that the shape of my schedule from Friday morning through Sunday evening wasn't one to allow for much room to research, organize, write and revise said paper. On top of that I needed to begin preparing for my final speech, I needed to read through the scene my acting partner and I had landed on, and I came to realize that I was falling behind in my RPG writing, my blogging, and that the end of the semester was right around the corner, having snuck up on me with incredible speed.
These thoughts and more crowded my mind, and put me in a sour mood to start the day off. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I like the entertain the notion that I am not one to get easily stressed. I tend to take things as they come, a skill I've been working for the past few years, and it takes a bit before I start to lose sleep.
Luckily, though, two of my friends came forward to help ease my stress, through consistent joking, light-hearted shenanigans, and offering scheduling advice. What looked like a catastrophic mess of a weekend soon became a manageable situation, and I was beginning to mitigate my stress, all thanks to two of the most wonderful people I've had the pleasure of getting to know these past few months.
During speech class today, one of the students spoke about personality profiles, and outlined three basic personalities as described by animals. The lion, the otter, the beaver and the golden retriever. I recognized the person I used to be (the beaver), the person I wanted to be (the golden retriever) and the person I currently was (the otter) in her descriptions. One quality about the otter that stood out to me was that, as she claimed, "an otter will call anyone that they interact with at least two times their 'close friend'."
I saw that in myself right away. It's true, if we hang out together only a couple of times, if I have two different conversations with you that both seem to go relatively well, I often consider you a close friend. That label in no way diminishes the quality of those friendships I've shared for many years, it only helps define the lengths I'm willing to go to in order to 1.) get to know you better, and 2.) maintain our friendship. While I can't be 100% certain in this self-assessment, I feel that I get along well with most people, and unless our personalities clash in a particularly blatant way, I can often see myself becoming good friends with just about anybody.
Whether I've been going to your house since my early years in elementary school, or we just met this semester in one of my classes, or you're the friend of a friend who has hung out with me once or twice, or we've merely shared a place of employment for about a month or so, it is very likely that I see you as a friend, and I see the potential of a greater friendship there. When it comes to relationships, I tend to jump in feet first, plunge myself in whole-heartedly, and then see where it goes from there. Unfortunately, this means that I cannot get to know everyone as well as I'd like to, much to my dismay. Yet I do what I can for my friends and family, whether it's offering counsel via a message or phone call, showing encouragement over their chosen form of artistic expression, or simply sharing a few amusing stories and listening to how they're doing.
However, no matter how far I'm pushing in a relationship, I always feel I can push a little further. Am I overextending myself? Am I wasting my energy on too many relationships, exhausting myself emotionally, and will I only be met with disappointment? I will admit that sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much or coming across too strong, but then I have evenings like I did on Thursday, or mornings like today, and I realize that for me to do any less would be a dishonest, dissatisfying use of my energy. It is my ultimate wish to experience as many people's stories as I can, to interact with as many people as possible, and to create and share memories everywhere. And boy do I have a long way to go as I bring that wish into reality.
I had a research paper due on Monday, and I came to realize that the shape of my schedule from Friday morning through Sunday evening wasn't one to allow for much room to research, organize, write and revise said paper. On top of that I needed to begin preparing for my final speech, I needed to read through the scene my acting partner and I had landed on, and I came to realize that I was falling behind in my RPG writing, my blogging, and that the end of the semester was right around the corner, having snuck up on me with incredible speed.
These thoughts and more crowded my mind, and put me in a sour mood to start the day off. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I like the entertain the notion that I am not one to get easily stressed. I tend to take things as they come, a skill I've been working for the past few years, and it takes a bit before I start to lose sleep.
Luckily, though, two of my friends came forward to help ease my stress, through consistent joking, light-hearted shenanigans, and offering scheduling advice. What looked like a catastrophic mess of a weekend soon became a manageable situation, and I was beginning to mitigate my stress, all thanks to two of the most wonderful people I've had the pleasure of getting to know these past few months.
During speech class today, one of the students spoke about personality profiles, and outlined three basic personalities as described by animals. The lion, the otter, the beaver and the golden retriever. I recognized the person I used to be (the beaver), the person I wanted to be (the golden retriever) and the person I currently was (the otter) in her descriptions. One quality about the otter that stood out to me was that, as she claimed, "an otter will call anyone that they interact with at least two times their 'close friend'."
I saw that in myself right away. It's true, if we hang out together only a couple of times, if I have two different conversations with you that both seem to go relatively well, I often consider you a close friend. That label in no way diminishes the quality of those friendships I've shared for many years, it only helps define the lengths I'm willing to go to in order to 1.) get to know you better, and 2.) maintain our friendship. While I can't be 100% certain in this self-assessment, I feel that I get along well with most people, and unless our personalities clash in a particularly blatant way, I can often see myself becoming good friends with just about anybody.
Whether I've been going to your house since my early years in elementary school, or we just met this semester in one of my classes, or you're the friend of a friend who has hung out with me once or twice, or we've merely shared a place of employment for about a month or so, it is very likely that I see you as a friend, and I see the potential of a greater friendship there. When it comes to relationships, I tend to jump in feet first, plunge myself in whole-heartedly, and then see where it goes from there. Unfortunately, this means that I cannot get to know everyone as well as I'd like to, much to my dismay. Yet I do what I can for my friends and family, whether it's offering counsel via a message or phone call, showing encouragement over their chosen form of artistic expression, or simply sharing a few amusing stories and listening to how they're doing.
However, no matter how far I'm pushing in a relationship, I always feel I can push a little further. Am I overextending myself? Am I wasting my energy on too many relationships, exhausting myself emotionally, and will I only be met with disappointment? I will admit that sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving too much or coming across too strong, but then I have evenings like I did on Thursday, or mornings like today, and I realize that for me to do any less would be a dishonest, dissatisfying use of my energy. It is my ultimate wish to experience as many people's stories as I can, to interact with as many people as possible, and to create and share memories everywhere. And boy do I have a long way to go as I bring that wish into reality.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Literary Burp: Personality & Purpose
The following post is a thought or musing of mine that I just wanted to get recorded. These sort of thoughts filter in and out of my head constantly, and I'm of the mindset that if I don't acknowledge their existence, then I may as well have never had them in the first place. And every thought deserves its due attention, even if its a random one such as this.
When growing up I had a very different experience. I'm the youngest of four, and primarily grew up with my sister, as my other two siblings were considerably older and thus occupied a different lifestyle than I did. When they were listening to music and driving vehicles I was playing with Legos and acting like a dinosaur. Growing up, I've always seen how different I was than the rest of my family. I had an unashamed, unbridled and unquenchable thirst for the unknown. Concepts like outer space, the ocean, trackless desert and the deepest recesses of nature were all notions that held great sway with me. These were places that people only talked about or wrote about, but didn't go to. These were 'true' places, untouched by the hand of man and operating without his interference. These ideas, even if I didn't know how to articulate them at the time, intrigued me beyond compare, and were manifested in my love of such things as dinosaurs, Star Wars, the Marvel superheroes and other fantastic stories.
This passion for finding the amazing in what others rarely even thought about set me apart, at least in my eyes, from a lot of people I knew growing up. For all of my head-in-the-clouds, fantasizing and day-dreaming antics, my father was at least that engulfed in practicality. He showed a love of old comics and stories from his youth, but he is a man of concrete facts, of a world that's written in black and white and runs by the word of God and the letter of the law. Where he would try to determine 'why,' I would only muse 'why not?' As I grew up I found that I inherited his unshaking resolution in the truth of the world, in the presence of God, and in the important role religion plays in our lives. Yet I wasn't about to let this 'certainty' of faith, morality, and the way of the world limit my desire to seek the unknown, to continue to walk down paths others dismiss as fantastical, and to continue to keep my head in those beautiful clouds.
What is this post all about? I don't really know. I started out with one thing in mind, but it as changed in these few paragraphs. I guess it is an introspective analysis of myself. If there is one thing I do, and frequently, it's question why I think the way I do, why I feel the way I do, and why I act the way I do. I still feel like I am still learning who I am, and I feel like the only way I will ever truly learn about the world around me is to first understand that there is much I don't know, even about myself.
We all search for the concrete answers in life, or we think we have found them, or we plant them for ourselves to find. We rarely question them, some of us never do, and we are happy knowing that the sky is blue, the sun will rise, and tomorrow will always follow today. But not me. I'm not content with merely accepting the world, or my existence in it, at face value. I am here for a purpose, as is everyone, and I will never learn what that is unless I leave my mind open, unless I accept the fact that the concept of 'truth' is a human concept, and that I will only, in my entire life, learn a mere fraction of what is considered as truth. In short, there is much more going on in existence than I can ever hope to experience, to learn, to know.
When growing up I had a very different experience. I'm the youngest of four, and primarily grew up with my sister, as my other two siblings were considerably older and thus occupied a different lifestyle than I did. When they were listening to music and driving vehicles I was playing with Legos and acting like a dinosaur. Growing up, I've always seen how different I was than the rest of my family. I had an unashamed, unbridled and unquenchable thirst for the unknown. Concepts like outer space, the ocean, trackless desert and the deepest recesses of nature were all notions that held great sway with me. These were places that people only talked about or wrote about, but didn't go to. These were 'true' places, untouched by the hand of man and operating without his interference. These ideas, even if I didn't know how to articulate them at the time, intrigued me beyond compare, and were manifested in my love of such things as dinosaurs, Star Wars, the Marvel superheroes and other fantastic stories.
This passion for finding the amazing in what others rarely even thought about set me apart, at least in my eyes, from a lot of people I knew growing up. For all of my head-in-the-clouds, fantasizing and day-dreaming antics, my father was at least that engulfed in practicality. He showed a love of old comics and stories from his youth, but he is a man of concrete facts, of a world that's written in black and white and runs by the word of God and the letter of the law. Where he would try to determine 'why,' I would only muse 'why not?' As I grew up I found that I inherited his unshaking resolution in the truth of the world, in the presence of God, and in the important role religion plays in our lives. Yet I wasn't about to let this 'certainty' of faith, morality, and the way of the world limit my desire to seek the unknown, to continue to walk down paths others dismiss as fantastical, and to continue to keep my head in those beautiful clouds.
What is this post all about? I don't really know. I started out with one thing in mind, but it as changed in these few paragraphs. I guess it is an introspective analysis of myself. If there is one thing I do, and frequently, it's question why I think the way I do, why I feel the way I do, and why I act the way I do. I still feel like I am still learning who I am, and I feel like the only way I will ever truly learn about the world around me is to first understand that there is much I don't know, even about myself.
We all search for the concrete answers in life, or we think we have found them, or we plant them for ourselves to find. We rarely question them, some of us never do, and we are happy knowing that the sky is blue, the sun will rise, and tomorrow will always follow today. But not me. I'm not content with merely accepting the world, or my existence in it, at face value. I am here for a purpose, as is everyone, and I will never learn what that is unless I leave my mind open, unless I accept the fact that the concept of 'truth' is a human concept, and that I will only, in my entire life, learn a mere fraction of what is considered as truth. In short, there is much more going on in existence than I can ever hope to experience, to learn, to know.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tough it Out
I've noticed that my hands have been dry recently. Considerably dryer than normal for this time of year. Normally I'm one to deal with it, knowing that it is something that will correct with time, that eventually the air will saturate as we move out of the dry winter weather, and my cracked, sore hands will be right as rain. Yet I've found that I've been having trouble toughing it out this year. My hands hurt, and for once my generally stubborn approach to this has been challenged. Why don't I just use some lotion and stop forcing myself to deal with unnecessary issues?
I'm starting to feel the same way about other aspects of my life. I've been avoiding change, even changes I fantasize about, simply because it will require me to "give in" or "change up" what has been working for me for so many years.
I don't like making ripples in the water, at least not in what could be perceived as a negative sense. One thing I try to be conscious of is my own ego, as it has been known to get out of hand. For instance, all throughout the last two days, my peers in my acting class have had nothing but profoundly positive things to say about my performance this past Monday. Then the time came for people to perform their monologues in front of the class, which we were to have memorized by today. Yet I remained silent, and did not stand up to give my own, under the guise that I had not memorized it yet.
Why did I do this? Why shy away from what others have pointed out to be one of my few talents? Is it a fear of not meeting expectations? Somewhat. Whenever people say to me "you're really good at that," it makes me feel a bit more pressure around whatever that is. I both love and hate the compliments. However, I think it is also because I was getting so many compliments, and I didn't want that to go to my head.
So when it comes to other people, doing things with or for others, I love making ripples. Hell, I'd be ecstatic if I could turn it into a whirlpool. I'd rather be remembered as someone who lived his life for the benefit of those around him, and not as someone who only does things for himself.
So when I think about these changes that I hope will one day come about, I can't help but feel that pang of distaste, a dissatisfaction at myself for having those thoughts. While routines have come to bore me, and while I know that in order for me to be happy with myself I need to make changes, I worry about leaving others behind, leaving a role that so many have come to expect me to be in. I worry about letting people down, to an extent.
And so do I tough it out? Do I go another month, or do I say 'to hell with it' and just start applying the lotion? It's a hard decision to make, and it is one that plagues my thoughts these last few months...
I'm starting to feel the same way about other aspects of my life. I've been avoiding change, even changes I fantasize about, simply because it will require me to "give in" or "change up" what has been working for me for so many years.
I don't like making ripples in the water, at least not in what could be perceived as a negative sense. One thing I try to be conscious of is my own ego, as it has been known to get out of hand. For instance, all throughout the last two days, my peers in my acting class have had nothing but profoundly positive things to say about my performance this past Monday. Then the time came for people to perform their monologues in front of the class, which we were to have memorized by today. Yet I remained silent, and did not stand up to give my own, under the guise that I had not memorized it yet.
Why did I do this? Why shy away from what others have pointed out to be one of my few talents? Is it a fear of not meeting expectations? Somewhat. Whenever people say to me "you're really good at that," it makes me feel a bit more pressure around whatever that is. I both love and hate the compliments. However, I think it is also because I was getting so many compliments, and I didn't want that to go to my head.
So when it comes to other people, doing things with or for others, I love making ripples. Hell, I'd be ecstatic if I could turn it into a whirlpool. I'd rather be remembered as someone who lived his life for the benefit of those around him, and not as someone who only does things for himself.
So when I think about these changes that I hope will one day come about, I can't help but feel that pang of distaste, a dissatisfaction at myself for having those thoughts. While routines have come to bore me, and while I know that in order for me to be happy with myself I need to make changes, I worry about leaving others behind, leaving a role that so many have come to expect me to be in. I worry about letting people down, to an extent.
And so do I tough it out? Do I go another month, or do I say 'to hell with it' and just start applying the lotion? It's a hard decision to make, and it is one that plagues my thoughts these last few months...
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