Tough it Out

I've noticed that my hands have been dry recently. Considerably dryer than normal for this time of year. Normally I'm one to deal with it, knowing that it is something that will correct with time, that eventually the air will saturate as we move out of the dry winter weather, and my cracked, sore hands will be right as rain. Yet I've found that I've been having trouble toughing it out this year. My hands hurt, and for once my generally stubborn approach to this has been challenged. Why don't I just use some lotion and stop forcing myself to deal with unnecessary issues?

I'm starting to feel the same way about other aspects of my life. I've been avoiding change, even changes I fantasize about, simply because it will require me to "give in" or "change up" what has been working for me for so many years.

I don't like making ripples in the water, at least not in what could be perceived as a negative sense. One thing I try to be conscious of is my own ego, as it has been known to get out of hand. For instance, all throughout the last two days, my peers in my acting class have had nothing but profoundly positive things to say about my performance this past Monday. Then the time came for people to perform their monologues in front of the class, which we were to have memorized by today. Yet I remained silent, and did not stand up to give my own, under the guise that I had not memorized it yet.

Why did I do this? Why shy away from what others have pointed out to be one of my few talents? Is it a fear of not meeting expectations? Somewhat. Whenever people say to me "you're really good at that," it makes me feel a bit more pressure around whatever that is. I both love and hate the compliments. However, I think it is also because I was getting so many compliments, and I didn't want that to go to my head.

So when it comes to other people, doing things with or for others, I love making ripples. Hell, I'd be ecstatic if I could turn it into a whirlpool. I'd rather be remembered as someone who lived his life for the benefit of those around him, and not as someone who only does things for himself.

So when I think about these changes that I hope will one day come about, I can't help but feel that pang of distaste, a dissatisfaction at myself for having those thoughts. While routines have come to bore me, and while I know that in order for me to be happy with myself I need to make changes, I worry about leaving others behind, leaving a role that so many have come to expect me to be in. I worry about letting people down, to an extent.

And so do I tough it out? Do I go another month, or do I say 'to hell with it' and just start applying the lotion? It's a hard decision to make, and it is one that plagues my thoughts these last few months...