Vlog Post - Weekly Updates, Moving, & Future Serials

Hooray! A new Vlog post. check it out. As always, any questions, comments, concerns or criticisms, please comment below!

The Candle Which Burns Twice As Bright...

Another play has come up in my area. Not only am I interested in auditioning, but it is a musical, which is part of my bucket list. It only seems natural that I should audition for it, right? I mean, I've hit up every audition that has been available since last April, so why stop now.

Unfortunately, I'm not as excited for this audition as I would've originally expected. So much so to the point that I am not even 100% certain if I will audition for it. While I have no doubts that it would be an amazing experience and it would be truly exciting and engaging, and I would meet new wonderful people and get the chance to work with others I already know and love within the local theater community, I can't help but wonder if I'm filling my plate too full already.

You Can't Take Everything (or Everyone) With You...

This is primarily going to be one of my sappy, self-reflective posts, so please bear with me.

As most of you are aware, this week marked the end of the semester for me. Monday was the official last day of class, and Wednesday was the first of my two days of finals. I found I was struck with a stronger pang of grief than I originally expected. I've grown somewhat close (which for me means that I've shared a lot of laughs and some minor extracirricular activities) with a handful of people, including the majority of my Acting class.

I've talked about how I connect with people in previous posts, but allow me to go over this again. Years ago, I used to be free with my happiness and optimism, and I used to approach everyone as if they could be a life-changing friend for me. I poured everything into friendships and I tried to do everything in my power for those people. It didn't matter if we shared a brief, friendly conversation or if we hung out consistently for multiple months, I probably considered you a close friend.

Then I had a period where this openness and willingness to connect so freely with people came back to bite me, and it ended up hurting me. So I backed off, and kept people at arms' length. Sure, I didn't let other people hurt me during this time, but I was hurting myself, stifling my extroverted self and forcing a more introverted lifestyle. It was difficult at first, but it got easier as time went on, and eventually it became all I knew.

Yet, in the last two years now, I've really been working on getting back my old self, the self that I was years ago. I wanted to be the Nick that people wanted to be around again. I wanted people to enjoy their time with me, and I wanted people to know how much they mean to me. I have had a few friendships and relationships these past two years that have been instrumental in making this transition, yet a week such as this proves to me that things won't always be easy.

We finished our last performances in Acting class, and I lingered for a moment or two, but ended up leaving quite quickly, quite abruptly, with very little said to anyone other than a couple of passing goodbyes. I got halfway down the hall to the exit, and I stopped myself. I turned back around, went back to the theater, and made up some excuse in my head of a question that I had to ask the instructor as the real reason for my return.

Unfortunately, when I arrived again, most of the other students had gone, and I had missed my opportunity to give a more suitable farewell. Now, I found, I felt even worse.

This seems such an elementary thing for me, but now all that is rolling around in my head is the fear that I may never see some of these people again. That is a reality I'm going to have to face, but it's not one I'm proud of accelerating.

As I have been saying, time and again, I am moving forward. Forward with my life, forward with my career, forward with my creativity and forward with my relationships. Unfortunately, the other side of that positive coin is the fact that as I move forward, I am forced to face the realization that I can't take everything with me, that I can try to stay in touch with as many as possible, but I will lose contact with most of them, and it kills me.

It kills me because I think of the people who I was once close to that I don't hear from, or don't reach out to, much any more. People who I keep telling myself I need to call, need to contact, but I either don't or can't.

This Friday is my last final, in Public Speaking, a class in which I have made some simple connections with a few people, though not as major of connections and with not as many people as I would prefer (mainly because other than one or two moments, I didn't put much effort into it, probably out of a fear of the inevitable future). I think I will do what I can to offer a bit more of a satisfying goodbye to these people, something I may segue into my requesting they see the play that I will be in this summer.

I am a better friend than I have been this last week or so, I know it. I just have to act like it.

Late Post: Auditions

Hello again, readers! I missed the Wednesday post, so my apologies for that. My week has been quite busy, and so this and most other posts will be shorter in length for the next week or two.

The most noteworthy event during this week is the fact that I had another audition this last Wednesday evening, May 1st. The director is my Acting class instructor, so having that established familiarity with him as a person did wonders for my anxiety. I went in at 7:00pm, and I'm assuming that he really liked my performances since I was one of the last to leave, having been called back in for additional readings three times.

He said he should have the play fully cast by this weekend, so I should get an email Saturday or Sunday to let me know if I got the part or not. We shall see! I will say that I am very excited, and I'm trying to not expect a role, but rather just be happy with whatever feedback I get from him.

Three Little Monologues

For my Acting class on Monday, I have to have a monologue picked out and ready to perform a first draft on. I've narrowed it down from nine possible monologues to three, though I'm having trouble deciding on one, so I figured I'd post on here and get some feedback from you all.

This first monologue is from the play The House on Lake Desolation, and is probably my favorite of the three, although it runs a full three and a half minutes longer than what we were supposed to go with.

This second monologue is from the play Before it Hits Home, and is perfect on timing. It's tied for second in my personal preference.

This third and final monologue is from the play Slavs!, and is a lot of fun to perform. It's slightly longer than the time limit, and is tied for second in my personal preference.

So watch what you'd like, let me know if you have a preference! I'm reading the script for each of these during the recordings, so this isn't me at my best performance.

College & Graduation

This last week has been quite a boring one for me. After the excitement of the road trip with my gaming group, and the 3:00am Dance Central party on Saturday, my activity has dropped considerably. I wake up, I go to class, I have some fun with friends at CLC, I go to work and play catch-up on my list of tasks, then I go home and either play Starcraft II or watch YouTube videos until I drift off to sleep, only to start it all over again the next day.

I suppose it's to be expected. I mean, after such an engaging weekend I should be okay with allowing myself some downtime. But at the same time, I'd rather have the excitement of the weekend carry over into my daily routines, rather than drop off completely. And then this morning I was sort of slapped in the face with a realization.

It's March. Graduation is coming up, and I have things I need to do.

In order for me to get my AA at the end of this semester, I need to have my AP transcript submitted to the college. Since the last time I took an AP test was in 2006, my transcript has gone into what the AP board calls the "Archives". Basically, for me to get those credits to the college, I need to jump through extra hoops and spend a little extra money in order for the people at CLC to go "Oh, yes you have taken all those classes."

Once that is all done, I will be all set for my AA (finally) and can start looking at my teaching degree a bit more closely.

So this morning saw a bit of a fire lit under my butt, thanks in part to my roommate and in part to a friend from my Acting class who was asking me about my plans after this semester. I printed the AP transcript release form, filled it out, and now just have to fax it and a check to the AP Board and wait for them to fax the transcript back to the college. I'm cutting it close, but that's sort of my style.

It's both exciting and frightening, being this close to my AA, on the cusp of uncharted territory (for me). The thoughts of what is happening after plague me, now. Thoughts like worrying about costs of going to an actual college, about being able to manage online classes, about if teaching is really the career I should be pursuing, and about how seriously I should be pushing forward with my book at the same time. Yet, despite all of my worrying, and despite all of my anxiety, I need to keep this momentum going. I know that once my momentum drops, it's hard to get up again, and I can't afford to put my future off any longer.

Expectations

This last week has certainly been an interesting one. I had my audition for "Glass Menagerie" on Monday evening, and though he wasn't helping direct the play at all, my acting instructor did sit in on them. I walked out of the auditions about two hours after they started and felt like they were atrocious, and vowed to actually research the play next time, rather than going in completely blind. However, when I connected with my acting instructor prior to class on Wednesday, he said there was little I could've done better, and that I just simply wasn't what the director was looking for.

Fair enough. I know I went into the audition telling myself not to expect anything. My first audition, no prior stage experience, I couldn't imagine that I'd be a serious contender for either of the male roles. Yet, walking out I couldn't help but feel pretty let down with myself. I got too nervous, I got too anxious, and so I spent my night afterwards in my apartment, eating ice cream and playing the Myst game on my iPhone. Silly expectations, showing up even when you don't want them to.

Also, this week marks the end of my commitment to my retail store. We had been hurting on one of our sales scores for a while, and so I proposed that if we finished this week at our minimum goal, I'd dye my mop of hair green. Well, not only have we made our goal for the week, but we made it with two days to spare. So now I have to look into green hair color and go through two days at work looking like a walking piece of broccoli. Joy.

And I expected the store to just miss the goal.

And finally, just a few nights ago, one of my friends and coworkers had the unfortunate experience of being broken up with. While I never really spoke with her about her relationship, I could tell that it made her happier than anything, simply by the way she acted and spoke. And now that was gone, and she was forced to face the world once again, her perspective now soured, though hopefully just temporarily, by the experience.

Expectations can be a terrible thing. They can get our hopes up only to have them dropped down once again. They can get us to over-commit to something that we're not terribly looking forward to. They can reveal mountains about our perception, both of ourselves and of those around us. Some people have been so affected by their expectations in the past that they have made a decision to simply not expect anything out of people or life in the future. That is a hard thing to do, and while I can understand the reasoning behind it, it pains me to hear people take such an outlook.

It's true, there's a lot of danger in expectations, but more than any danger, there are a lot of other things you can get from expectations. Confidence, optimism, and determination are all positive things that can result from expecting that you will do well on a specific task, expecting that someone else will follow through, or expecting that you will find happiness once again. I can't imagine going through life without at least some measure of confidence, both in myself and in others, and while my confidence certainly gets shaken from time to time, I definitely bounce back in short order. Especially when ice cream and Myst are involved.